Tomorrow marks eight years since my Mum left the planet. After a vicious, yet brief fight with cancer she passed away on 19th April 2011.
It is a day that will always be marked with a sense of sadness for me.
It seems unbelievable to me that so much time has passed since then. On the one hand it feels like only yesterday, yet it also feels like she has been gone for a million years.
For the first time in quite a few years, my whole family will be together for the anniversary of Mum’s death because Easter falls over the same date. For some reason that seems to have intensified my emotions about the event. Maybe being with others who share the same level of loss, has brought up more emotion than usual for me. Maybe just knowing that I can be completely vulnerable with those who love me unconditionally has given me some sort of permission that I don’t so readily give myself.
I was chatting to my sister about how we can mark the event and I suggested that we have a special dinner in Mum’s honour. Not only that, but we talk about her. My partner is joining our family weekend and I suggested that each person tell him their favourite Noni story (that’s my Mum’s “grandma name” that we all ended up calling her when she became a grandma). He doesn’t know much about her yet, only my perspective of her and the details of the arduous journey we all endured during her illness.
For some reason as time moves on, I have noticed that we speak of her less. I still think of her daily in some way, and I can feel her energy in my home when she is around, but the words and stories have dropped away as the years have passed. This weekend is a beautiful opportunity to talk about her, laugh at fun memories, shed some tears, and share the special moments we all had with her.
If someone had asked me two weeks ago if I still grieve my Mum’s passing, I would have said no. I grieved intensely at the beginning, and with time, came to view her death as a gift she bestowed on me to propel me towards coaching, my life purpose. I acknowledged that she never wanted to go like her mother (10 years in a care facility with dementia and so frightened by life) and that maybe this was her choice on an unconscious level. Her cancer journey also gave my sister and I space to connect in a deep and intimate way which has created an unbreakable bond between us.
There really is so much to be thankful for…..
But, if I was asked the same question, today, right now, as the tears roll down my cheeks while I write this, then I would have to say yes, I do still grieve my Mum passing. It’s actually quite confronting when the emotions rise to the surface again after eight years.
I miss her…..so very much.
What I wouldn’t do for a bowl of her chicken soup she used to make in winter or a piece of her famous pavlova, phew! I’d give anything for just one more day with her here in my life……
The one great comfort I have in moments where I allow the grief to bubble up is that I know we will meet again. It will be on a different plane and in a different form, but we will recognise each other’s souls and have that moment that I long for so much right now.
Happy Easter, I hope you are with those you love.