How quickly times change….
I was reading back through some previous blogs I’ve written and saw one from August 2018 called I always thought I would have kids….
That blog was about how I was single and childless at 43 and as much as I loved my life, it wasn’t how I thought it would go. I shared my views on suffering, choice and ultimately acceptance.
I have huge faith in the Universe and live with total certainty that everything is working out exactly as it should. What this belief does for me is ensure that even when things are hard work or they go wrong, I know I am right where I need to be. I trust implicitly! This is the antidote to suffering.
It was wonderful to go back and read that post for lots of different reasons. What I took away from it was how quickly things change in our ever-evolving and undulating world.
So: fast forward 13 months and I am in an amazing relationship with a phenomenal man. We found each other on Bumble – even though I had sworn off internet dating forever!! Numerous synchronicities led me to trying out this platform and I was pleasantly surprised by how many lovely men there are out there (you can read about that journey here Bumbling Along). It was a fun experience that led me to my gorgeous partner and all the decisions that we are now making together.
Very early on in our relationship he asked me if I would ever have children (my Bumble profile said “No Children, doesn’t want any”). I explained that being 43, I had moved on from the idea of motherhood and had evolved a different life plan. He then asked if I would be willing to reconsider the decision…
What the?! But my eggs ain’t fresh anymore Sunshine!!
I went away for several weeks and sat with the idea. It felt like such a foreign concept since I had moved on from it several years previously. I thought about what my life would look like, I thought about how sleep deprived I would be, and I also had to have a few chats with myself in the mirror about being so dramatic!!
I also thought about the special moments that I witness my friends and family have with their kids. I thought about the love and connection and all the happiness being a mother could bring me. I remembered all the beautiful words parents shared with me about their journey into parenthood and the joy of raising another human being.
But I feel scared – no, hang on…I feel terrified!!
What it came back to was my core belief that everything works out exactly as it should. If I am meant to be a mum to this man’s children then I will fall pregnant. If I am not, I won’t. A month or so later I said to my partner that yes, I would be willing to have children with him but I also told him that if it doesn’t happen naturally, I am not going down the IVF path. The IVF path has helped so many people in life become amazing parents to gorgeous kids and I see it as such a gift – it’s just not for me.
I said that if being a father to his own biological children was paramount, then I might not be a good choice of life partner. He said it wasn’t and there are always other ways of being parents or helping out children who need parents. I agreed wholeheartedly to this! We also spoke about how we would have an equally amazing life not being parents and painted some pictures of what that life would look like too.
After all these conversations I am left with a sense of excitement for whatever the future holds – kids, no kids, someone else’s kids – who knows? I just know that if someone had said to me when I published that blog last year “One year from now, you will be deeply in love with a truly spectacular man and will be trying for a baby” I would have scoffed and advised that they stop smoking crack!
The only thing that doesn’t change is that there will always be change.
It makes me wonder what my blog this time next year will be about? Who knows! Watch this space and continue to enjoy your journey, whatever that may be.